Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Diet Guru Top 100

As frustrated as I get by diet gurus, it sure is nice to have a little comic relief interspersed into the madness. Hence, this post. Hey, I know the gurus get just as sick of science-based health professionals as we get of them--the exasperation surely goes both ways. And while it's fun to laugh a bit at the absurdity of diet guru tactics, the underlying seriousness of their actions remains and I do not take lightly to it.

You might be wondering what I consider to be a "diet guru." I wrote an earlier post on how to spot one, but here's another quick (though not all-encompassing) primer. A diet guru:

  • Cherry-picks and interprets data to support their beliefs
  • Sells and promotes unsubstantiated dietary supplements
  • Buys into and actively promotes unnecessary fad diets
  • Shuns dietary moderation in favor of extremes
  • Promotes treatments and therapies (ie cleanses, detoxing) with no published evidence to support them
  • Is highly dogmatic and asserts a one-size-fits-all diet approach
  • Relies heavily on testimonials and anecdotal evidence instead of peer-reviewed science
  • Offers quick-fix, simplistic solutions to complex problems like obesity
  • Purports to be promoting health, but upon closer inspection, is actually mercilessly marketing their diet book, products, services, and dietary supplements
  • Thrives on sensationalism and fear-inducing messages about food and nutrients
Now, if you are a diet guru or really like diet gurus, you may not enjoy the creativity that follows so much, but that's ok. As many diet gurus and their brainwashed followers have told me when I challenged their beliefs, "You're entitled to your opinion." Finally, diet gurus speaking the truth! There might be some hope after all.

Disclaimers: I'm sure diet gurus are nice people. I do not profess to be better than diet gurus. There are people who shouldn't eat gluten, etc. and I am not discounting you. I am discounting gurus who make narrow-minded and unnecessary (for the the majority of the populace) dietary prescriptions. I hope this list of songs doesn't age me too much. Inflammation and insulin-resistance are real and serious conditions. Coconut oil is cool but it's not a magic panacea. Low-carb diets are great if you like them and they work for you, but they aren't necessary for everyone. I really love fat so don't accuse me of promoting low-fat diets. Calories matter for energy balance but no one is saying all calories are qualitatively the same. Not all diet gurus are trying to milk you for money but many are. Give me an 8-hour road trip with my ipod and a cat and what do you think you're going to get?

The Diet-Guru Top 100  
  1. Hustler's Huckster's Anthem - Busta Rhyme
  2. Sexual Alternative Healing - Marvin Gaye
  3. Cocaine (i.e. Sugar, Wheat) - Eric Clapton
  4. Dancing Detoxing Queen - Abba
  5. Fallin' (For My BS) - Alicia Keys
  6. You Know I'm No Good (At Interpreting Research) - Amy Winehouse
  7. (This Cleanse Will Get) Better In Time - Leona Lewis
  8. (Your Metabolism Is) Dead and Gone - T.I. feat Justin Timberlake
  9. Dirty Diana Diet - Michael Jackson
  10. Empire Charlatan State of Mind - Jay Z feat Alicia Keys
  11. The First Cut (Into Your Wallet) Is the Deepest - Cat Stevens
  12. The Fear (Carbs & Insulin Mash-Up) - Lily Allen
  13. Gluten-Free Fallin' - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
  14. Hold On, We're Going Home Grain-Free - Drake
  15. (My Diet Is The) Holy Grail - Justin Timberlake
  16. Don't Matter (Calories Remix) - Akon
  17. I Will Wait Hate Calories - Mumford & Sons
  18. (Wheat Is) Killing Me Softly - Fugees
  19. If I Were A Boy Paleolithic Man - Beyonce
  20. It's My Life (n=1) - No Doubt
  21. Magic Stick Schtick - Lil Kim
  22. Naughty Girl Insulin - Beyonce
  23. Don't Do Me Like Eat That - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
  24. Please Don't Leave Believe Me - Pink
  25. Ready Research Or Not - Fugees
  26. Take It Diet Restrictions To The Limit - Eagles
  27. Your Body Is A Pseudoscience Wonderland - John Mayer
  28. Can't Fight This Feeling Primal Instinct - REO Speedwagon
  29. Against All Odds Grains - Phil Collins
  30. Sexy Scammin' And I Know It - LMFAO
  31. P.Y.T. P.F.C. - Michael Jackson
  32. Get Low-Carb - Lil Jon
  33. Blame It On The Rain Mainstream Medical Community - Milli Vanilli
  34. Nothing Compares To You My Diet Book - Sinead O'Connor
  35. She Blinded Me With Science Pseudoscience - Thomas Dolby
  36. Eternal Flame Inflammation - The Bangles
  37. A Whiter Shade of Pale Paleo - Procul Harum
  38. California Kerrygold Butter Love - 2pac
  39. Daydream Coconut Oil Believer - The Monkees
  40. Get Rich (Hawking Dubious Supplements) Or Die Tryin' - 50 Cent
  41. Girl You Know It's True Not Evidence-Based - Milli Vanilli
  42. Blurred Lines Professional Boundaries - Robin Thicke
  43. (Take My Advice And Hope You) Get Lucky - Daft Punk
  44. Won't Go Home Gluten-Free Without You - Maroon 5
  45. Papa Guru Don't Preach - Madonna
  46. I Get Lonely Leaky Gut - Janet Jackson
  47. Let Me Love Brainwash You - NeYo
  48. (I'll Give You) Something To Believe In - Poison
  49. Gin Supplements and Juice Juicing - Snoop Dogg
  50. Drop It Like It's Hot A Hot Cup of Bulletproof Coffee - Snoop Dogg feat Pharrell
  51. Another One Fad Diet Bites The Dust - Queen
  52. Baby Haha I Got Your Money - Ol' Dirty Bastard
  53. Bottoms Butter Up - Trey Songz
  54. Careless #CalorieMyth Whisper - George Michael
  55. Chasing Cars Carbs Away - Snow Patrol
  56. Emotions Hormones - Mariah Carey
  57. Grind (Your Upgraded Coffee Beans) With Me - Pretty Ricky
  58. Hips My Diet Book Don't Lie - Shakira
  59. Heat Of The Moment Inflammation - Asia
  60. I Like That (Insulin Hypothesis) - Houston
  61. My Boo Wheat Belly - Usher & Alicia Keys
  62. In Insulin The Air Tonight - Phil Collins
  63. Isn't It a Pity: The Poor Misunderstood Calorie - George Harrison
  64. Invisible Insulin Touch - Genesis
  65. Juicy Juicing - Notorious B.I.G.
  66. Let's Twist (The Science) Again - Chubby Checker
  67. Maneater Meateater (Caveman Mix) - Nelly Furtado
  68. Murder Was The Case (The Trial of Wheat & Sugar) - Snoop Dogg
  69. Nuthin' But A "G" (Grain Brain) Thang - Dr. Dre feat Snoop Dogg
  70. One And Only (Way To Eat) - Mariah Carey feat Twista
  71. Only Sixteen (Supplements You Need To Buy From Me) - Sam Cooke
  72. Pumped Up Kicks Claims - Foster The People
  73. Raspberry Beret Ketones - Prince
  74. Remember The Name: Taubes. Gary Taubes. - Fort Minor
  75. Return Of The Mack Atkins Diet Version 348.0 - Mark Morisson
  76. Rock The Casbah Smash The Fat - The Clash
  77. S & M (Superfoods & MiracleRemedies) - Rihanna
  78. The Search Is Over (Mine Is The Last Diet Book You'll Need!) - Survivor
  79. Say #SANE It Ain't So - Weezer 
  80. Send Me Some Lovin' Testimonials - Sam Cooke
  81. Sex Gluten Bomb - Tom Jones
  82. So Fresh So Clean (My Diet) - Outkast
  83. Space Paleo Cowboy - Steve Miller Band
  84. Still On My Brain GrainBrain - Justin Timberlake
  85. Tearin' Up My Heart Gut (Legumes Remix) - NSYNC
  86. We Be Burnin' (Inflammation Extended Version) - Sean Paul
  87. Where Do Broken Hearts Metabolisms Go? - Whitney Houston
  88. You Be Killin' Em (Wheat & Sugar!) - Fabolous
  89. Black & White (Thinking) - Michael Jackson
  90. Don't Stop Believin' (Me) - Journey
  91. Big Pimpin' Dupin' - Jay Z
  92. Bad (Carbs, Carbs, Carbs) - Michael Jackson
  93. Don't Forget About Us (In 3 Years When The Next Fad Diet Is In Place) - Mariah Carey
  94. How Many Licks Tricks (Does It Take For You To Finally Believe Me) - Lil Kim
  95. Call Me (Out) Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen
  96. Magic LivinLowCarb Man - Heart
  97. Please Mr. Postman Strawman - The Marvelettes
  98. Green-Eyed Coffee Bean Extract Lady - Sugarloaf
  99. Dream- Delusionweaver - Gary Wright
  100. What's Love Science Got To Do With It - Tina Turner

Rock on gurus! 


  1. Hahaha... I understand it's about rock and pop - still would have liked to see Chet Atkins up there, and maybe "Let's work(out) together" with Canned Heat...

    (B.t.w. in my country (Sweden) the most loved "national symbol" poet & song writer is Evert Taube....)