The Diet Guru Top 100

As frustrated as I get by diet gurus, it sure is nice to have a little comic relief interspersed into the madness. Hence, this post. Hey, I know the gurus get just as sick of science-based health professionals as we get of them--the exasperation surely goes both ways. And while it's fun to laugh a bit at the absurdity of diet guru tactics, the underlying seriousness of their actions remains and I do not take lightly to it.

You might be wondering what I consider to be a "diet guru." I wrote an earlier post on how to spot one, but here's another quick (though not all-encompassing) primer. A diet guru:

• Cherry-picks and interprets data to support their beliefs
• Sells and promotes unsubstantiated dietary supplements
• Buys into and actively promotes unnecessary fad diets
• Shuns dietary moderation in favor of extremes
• Promotes treatments and therapies (ie cleanses, detoxing) with no published evidence to support them
• Is highly dogmatic and asserts a one-size-fits-all diet approach
• Relies heavily on testimonials and anecdotal evidence instead of peer-reviewed science
• Offers quick-fix, simplistic solutions to complex problems like obesity
• Purports to be promoting health, but upon closer inspection, is actually mercilessly marketing their diet book, products, services, and dietary supplements
• Thrives on sensationalism and fear-inducing messages about food and nutrients

Now, if you are a diet guru or really like diet gurus, you may not enjoy the creativity that follows so much, but that's ok. As many diet gurus and their brainwashed followers have told me when I challenged their beliefs, "You're entitled to your opinion." Finally, diet gurus speaking the truth! There might be some hope after all.

Disclaimers: I'm sure diet gurus are nice people. I do not profess to be better than diet gurus. There are people who shouldn't eat gluten, etc. and I am not discounting you. I am discounting gurus who make narrow-minded and unnecessary (for the the majority of the populace) dietary prescriptions. I hope this list of songs doesn't age me too much. Inflammation and insulin-resistance are real and serious conditions. Coconut oil is cool but it's not a magic panacea. Low-carb diets are great if you like them and they work for you, but they aren't necessary for everyone. I really love fat so don't accuse me of promoting low-fat diets. Calories matter for energy balance but no one is saying all calories are qualitatively the same. Not all diet gurus are trying to milk you for money but many are. Give me an 8-hour road trip with my ipod and a cat and what do you think you're going to get?

The Diet-Guru Top 100  

1. Hustler's Huckster's Anthem - Busta Rhyme
2. Sexual Alternative Healing - Marvin Gaye
3. Cocaine (i.e. Sugar, Wheat) - Eric Clapton
4. Dancing Detoxing Queen - Abba
5. Fallin' (For My BS) - Alicia Keys
6. You Know I'm No Good (At Interpreting Research) - Amy Winehouse
7. (This Cleanse Will Get) Better In Time - Leona Lewis
8. (Your Metabolism Is) Dead and Gone - T.I. feat Justin Timberlake
9. Dirty Diana Diet - Michael Jackson
10. Empire Charlatan State of Mind - Jay Z feat Alicia Keys
11. The First Cut (Into Your Wallet) Is the Deepest - Cat Stevens
12. The Fear (Carbs & Insulin Mash-Up) - Lily Allen
13. Gluten-Free Fallin' - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
14. Hold On, We're Going Home Grain-Free - Drake
15. (My Diet Is The) Holy Grail - Justin Timberlake
16. Don't Matter (Calories Remix) - Akon
17. I Will Wait Hate Calories - Mumford & Sons
18. (Wheat Is) Killing Me Softly - Fugees
19. If I Were A Boy Paleolithic Man - Beyonce
20. It's My Life (n=1) - No Doubt
21. Magic Stick Schtick - Lil Kim
22. Naughty Girl Insulin - Beyonce
23. Don't Do Me Like Eat That - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
24. Please Don't Leave Believe Me - Pink
25. Ready Research Or Not - Fugees
26. Take It Diet Restrictions To The Limit - Eagles
27. Your Body Is A Pseudoscience Wonderland - John Mayer
28. Can't Fight This Feeling Primal Instinct - REO Speedwagon
29. Against All Odds Grains - Phil Collins
30. Sexy Scammin' And I Know It - LMFAO
31. P.Y.T. P.F.C. - Michael Jackson
32. Get Low-Carb - Lil Jon
33. Blame It On The Rain Mainstream Medical Community - Milli Vanilli
34. Nothing Compares To You My Diet Book - Sinead O'Connor
35. She Blinded Me With Science Pseudoscience - Thomas Dolby
36. Eternal Flame Inflammation - The Bangles
37. A Whiter Shade of Pale Paleo - Procul Harum
38. California Kerrygold Butter Love - 2pac
39. Daydream Coconut Oil Believer - The Monkees
40. Get Rich (Hawking Dubious Supplements) Or Die Tryin' - 50 Cent
41. Girl You Know It's True Not Evidence-Based - Milli Vanilli
42. Blurred Lines Professional Boundaries - Robin Thicke
43. (Take My Advice And Hope You) Get Lucky - Daft Punk
44. Won't Go Home Gluten-Free Without You - Maroon 5
45. Papa Guru Don't Preach - Madonna
46. I Get Lonely Leaky Gut - Janet Jackson
47. Let Me Love Brainwash You - NeYo
48. (I'll Give You) Something To Believe In - Poison
49. Gin Supplements and Juice Juicing - Snoop Dogg
50. Drop It Like It's Hot A Hot Cup of Bulletproof Coffee - Snoop Dogg feat Pharrell
51. Another One Fad Diet Bites The Dust - Queen
52. Baby Haha I Got Your Money - Ol' Dirty Bastard
53. Bottoms Butter Up - Trey Songz
54. Careless #CalorieMyth Whisper - George Michael
55. Chasing Cars Carbs Away - Snow Patrol
56. Emotions Hormones - Mariah Carey
57. Grind (Your Upgraded Coffee Beans) With Me - Pretty Ricky
58. Hips My Diet Book Don't Lie - Shakira
59. Heat Of The Moment Inflammation - Asia
60. I Like That (Insulin Hypothesis) - Houston
61. My Boo Wheat Belly - Usher & Alicia Keys
62. In Insulin The Air Tonight - Phil Collins
63. Isn't It a Pity: The Poor Misunderstood Calorie - George Harrison
64. Invisible Insulin Touch - Genesis
65. Juicy Juicing - Notorious B.I.G.
66. Let's Twist (The Science) Again - Chubby Checker
67. Maneater Meateater (Caveman Mix) - Nelly Furtado
68. Murder Was The Case (The Trial of Wheat & Sugar) - Snoop Dogg
69. Nuthin' But A "G" (Grain Brain) Thang - Dr. Dre feat Snoop Dogg
70. One And Only (Way To Eat) - Mariah Carey feat Twista
71. Only Sixteen (Supplements You Need To Buy From Me) - Sam Cooke
72. Pumped Up Kicks Claims - Foster The People
73. Raspberry Beret Ketones - Prince
74. Remember The Name: Taubes. Gary Taubes. - Fort Minor
75. Return Of The Mack Atkins Diet Version 348.0 - Mark Morisson
76. Rock The Casbah Smash The Fat - The Clash
77. S & M (Superfoods & MiracleRemedies) - Rihanna
78. The Search Is Over (Mine Is The Last Diet Book You'll Need!) - Survivor
79. Say #SANE It Ain't So - Weezer 
80. Send Me Some Lovin' Testimonials - Sam Cooke
81. Sex Gluten Bomb - Tom Jones
82. So Fresh So Clean (My Diet) - Outkast
83. Space Paleo Cowboy - Steve Miller Band
84. Still On My Brain GrainBrain - Justin Timberlake
85. Tearin' Up My Heart Gut (Legumes Remix) - NSYNC
86. We Be Burnin' (Inflammation Extended Version) - Sean Paul
87. Where Do Broken Hearts Metabolisms Go? - Whitney Houston
88. You Be Killin' Em (Wheat & Sugar!) - Fabolous
89. Black & White (Thinking) - Michael Jackson
90. Don't Stop Believin' (Me) - Journey
91. Big Pimpin' Dupin' - Jay Z
92. Bad (Carbs, Carbs, Carbs) - Michael Jackson
93. Don't Forget About Us (In 3 Years When The Next Fad Diet Is In Place) - Mariah Carey
94. How Many Licks Tricks (Does It Take For You To Finally Believe Me) - Lil Kim
95. Call Me (Out) Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen
96. Magic LivinLowCarb Man - Heart
97. Please Mr. Postman Strawman - The Marvelettes
98. Green-Eyed Coffee Bean Extract Lady - Sugarloaf
99. Dream- Delusionweaver - Gary Wright
100. What's Love Science Got To Do With It - Tina Turner

Rock on gurus!